He (part 1, part 2) has just texted back—after 21:00 on the night before we were to set out at 07:30—to say he isn't coming. Because? The job centre might call him during the day. Yes, can we smell flimsy excuse?

Slen's sent him a wonderfully written, polite text to say how devastated I am and how disappointed and inconvenienced we both are. It's firm but pretty gentle. I've a feeling P. will get in a huff over it, though, because he's a bit like that. Acts like a jerk to avoid having to say no to anybody, then gets annoyed if anyone criticises his behaviour in any way.

I ... can't help wondering what I've done to be treated like this by my best friend.

(Slen and I are still going, by the way. Without Paul's car we can't do some of the day trips I'd planned, but we're doing whatever we can. It sucks, though, because this whole week was planned in honour of Paul coming home from Ireland. And it's less riotous with two than with three.)

He's ignoring the phone. He's ignoring his mobile. He's ignoring the doorbell. I know he's in. He's had several messages asking him to get in contact. He hasn't.

What the eff.

I... I'm gutted. I didn't speak to him for months after the last time, a year or so ago, when I booked a week off work to do music with him and he blew me off. That really hurt my feelings and I haven't fully trusted him since. Again, that time he was told well in advance, he booked the time off work, there was no way he could have misunderstood... but when it came to it, he just wanted to mess around and play video games.

So, it seems whatever instinct/laziness kept me from booking tickets to all these cool, amazing shows and things has served me well. I just wish the universe would stop confirming my pessimism. *eyes bottle of antidepressants, fidgets*

He may get back in contact. I'll wait and see. But while he's out of contact I can't even talk to him, so I can't even tell him to fuck himself and that we'll go without him, if that was what I wanted to do. Everyone has to dance to his tune. I'm sick of it. Doesn't he know it's upsetting me?

I turned 26 last month. We'll gloss right over that (order, not request), but I've been listening a lot to the new Power Quest album Slen bought me for my birthday. No ulterior motive there, no, of course not... pure coincidence that he likes them even more than I do.

We saw a great production of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the RNCM last night. Very dignifed Hermia (despite twice falling into a muddy ditch, so you know it's high praise) and good Bottom and Puck, too.

Paul didn't come, despite my asking him and arranging it in advance. He had agreed to come, knew why I particularly wanted him to, and then decided he'd rather go to the pub with some randomer. Thank goodness I hadn't booked the tickets yet. >:(

If he blows me off next week I'm going to kill him.

I'm still sorting out day-trips and evening plans for next week with the guys. Despite my deferring our plans by a week in order to miss half-term, some schools have two weeks for Whitsuntide (AARGH) and so there still might be masses of sticky small people at places. Just as long as nothing else goes wrong there's a chance I'll get through this without suffering a breakdown and still manage to have lots of fun. No pressure or anything, universe. *pops Citalopram like candy*

No, now, don't think like that, it'll be fun. I've got a Gilbert and Sullivan lined up, theme parks, zoos, Return to the Forbidden Planet, Cadbury World, the Chinese State Circus is in Manchester Thursday–Friday, there's a comedy production of The 39 Steps on at the Lowry, and Sweeney Todd (play, not film) in Chester after the zoo. If the others are interested we might go and see the Lindow Man at the Uni of Manchester, just because it's there.

Please, please don't let that ass pretend he didn't know about any of this in advance and make other plans, or announce in the morning "I can't be arsed", or ... gods, I'm worried. He has a history of letting me down over things I've been working hard for and arranged with him a good long time in advance. I never know if he really wants to spend time with me, because he has a very rude habit of saying yes to things he has no intention of following through, just to avoid saying no to people. It's pretty hurtful and I don't know why he does it.

Come on, Herm, lighten up. If Paul doesn't come, Slen's still here, and Mum's unexpectedly home next week because of the aforementioned school holiday discrepancy so there's a chance we can borrow her car instead. I'll pay close attention to how he behaves towards me, but I won't let it upset me.