Girls at a chess tournament. (vid from my work that I quite like)

Mmm, long-haired socialskillsless male geeks...

Woman, 90, fulfils 'thong' wish (... Quite sweet, all told.)

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One for steamfans. *emails to father*

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People complain about a 'pregnant' shop dummy. OH NOES, THE DISGUSTING SLIGHT PLASTIC BUMP. WOMEN WITH CHILD ARE FILTHY. I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN EXPOSED TO THIS SMUT.

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Quarantine for cough rescue dogs

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TV ad 'busts heart attack myth'

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Health checks to stop stand-ups dying on stage

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12-year-old stand-up comic. No jokes or footage.

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Children 'bullied over brands'

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Couple warned over bird feeding. I love the UK. Old dears enjoy feeding the birds so much (all encouraged by Mary Poppins, I tell you!!) that they get fined for chucking whole bags of corn every day and getting their gardens full of noise and bird poo.

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Blue plaque for Oxford geologist. Check the portrait. Very much an Oxford geologist.

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Marsh harriers fledge

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Winter homes for beach donkeys

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Call to adopt UK Bill of Rights. I suspect the right not to be treated as criminals by default, the right not to be filmed everywhere and the right to have a prime minister we actually elected will be conspicuously absent. Not that I'm grumpy today.

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Adult-free, booze-free music festival. Rawk. More like this please. Heck, I'd go to a booze-free festival if older people were allowed and pop acts were banned.

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Sub to make deep Caribbean dive. Very awesome.

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The end of horse chestnut trees? Why do they feel the need to relate this to human interest with the conker tournament rubbish? (Bacteria is plural. Bacterium is singular.)

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Pasty with extra snail (no pic)

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Hunt for amorous parrot's owner. Folks, if your pet can talk, consider teaching it your phone number or address (if you're confident you won't be changing it soon). At least your name would help.

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Hindu festival rides into capital

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One for Pratchett fans: Postcard arrives after 79 years

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Shagging b... no, wait, breeding shags hit by parasites. My guess? It's pulp mites eating their paper bags.

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Biker festival policing defended

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Cell change 'keeps organs young'

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Prophet Muhammad novel scrapped. ARGH.

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Muslim all-girl school in Oxfordshire 'may have to close'.

Hanna, who wants to become a doctor or a vet, said: "If I didn't have this school, then that is really it for me.

"It's this school or nothing for me. That would be the end of my education."

Parents said they were looking at other options for their daughters, including schooling them at home, or sending them abroad.

Just... why? What's so wrong with mixed schools, for Minerva's sake? Do you really think your daughters are going to turn into Westernised sluts just like that? Do you trust them so little?

Not that there's anything, anything wrong with being a Westernised slut, and I have zero time for the outright lies a few Asian opinionmakers spread about Western women.

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Bushballs, straight from "Beijing China". Amazing Grace? Edelweiss? Eh, same thing... (Yoooou look happy to meet me? Not really. Guy on left looks like he's thinking "SEND HALP".)

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Beach church for sun worshippers