We have a winner! It's "take your dog to work" day for one burglar.

Some monkey business on a Japanese train station. It looks rather like those macaques you see bathing in the hot springs.

Twirly trees in Liverpool. I have concerns for their root system, but measuring the effects of even sunning would be a great experiment. You can't, needless to say, normally do that with trees.

Clegg of the Lib Dems unveils a green energy plan and it's shiny and wonderful. And not at all spurred by oil wars in Georgia. Either way, green energy self-sufficiency is about the sexiest thing I've heard all day.

Black holes 'dodge middle ground'. It seems that you can have a little one or a big one, but they haven't found any middleweights yet.

There is, of course, the obvious problem when trying to look for a BLACK hole in SPACE. They get round this by looking for distinctive X-ray noise, rather than sticking pins in patches of black.

Wetlands created for rare birds. Hey, birdies! Look at this nice digger! Now nest where it's been! Good job birdies are dim.

Superdoctors - "the Indiana Jones of surgery". A non-surgical treatment for club foot, brought about by necessity (shortage of surgeons) in Malawi, proves to be better than the standard UK procedure. Everyone wins.

New steam loco arrives for tests

Drop in East European migration. :(

Six key species get woodland aid. With mugshots. Warning: includes red squirrel doing the Puss in Boots pose - you know the one.

Look, no. NO. If someone has served his time, come out of prison and started his own business, this is a good thing. Good! Not grounds for media kerfuffle!

Hidden historic snails unearthed in a stately home.

Fruit juice 'could affect drugs'

Have you ever heard the phrase "tiger kidnappings"? New one on me. It's nothing to do with tigers, except in the tenuous sense of hunting by stalk and ambush.

Dog stolen from animal sanctuary—oddly, not a purebreed.

No 10's Clarkson video is a joke. And a funny one. And a cheap one (just look at the quality of production). So lighten the heck up.

Actually, speaking of video editing, here are a couple of really cool demos from the SIGGRAPH conference. Unwrap Mosaics and using static photographs to enhance video. Really cool. If you still thought you can trust what you see with your eyes, well, you can't, so there.

Africa in pictures purple!

This is not news. [insert generic despair for mankind]

This shouldn't be news! Why should it be unusual for girls to take leading roles? Even if this is a film about Playboy models and starring a very conventionally beautiful blonde girl and I find it reeheeheeeeally hard to believe it's feminism.

Cavemen's descendants traced. Lucky things! That's so cool!

'Zero tolerance' over stray dogs

I can't decide if this rivalry with Aus is ridiculous or just a bit of fun.

Machine 'sniffs out skin cancer'. Know what's also good at this? Dogs! Dogs for everyone! More canine super-surgeons! Cost less to train than humans.

Robert Winston talks about the downsides of surgical robots. I'm liking these recent promotional clips with actual content in them (this one's plugging a TV programme tonight). It gives them more permanent value.

Bus stops to have recycling bins. Bet the driver still ends up having to scoop everything in.

Putting percentages in context, aka "why percentages bandied about in headlines are pretty much guaranteed to be meaningless, I mean honestly, stop and think about it for a second".

And finally, cow beauty contest.

Wild dolphins teach each other to tail-walk ("darling, I learned it on that spa trip, it's the latest technique...")

American 'Bigfoot' is gorilla suit. I can't pretend to be surprised (I mean, have you seen the photos? They're rubbish)... or pretend not to be just a little disappointed.

Of course, one fake Bigfoot doesn't disprove anything to do with English spectral hounds, which clearly exist, because they're too cool not to.

The magpie is the 'only non-mammal' 'proven' to recognise its own reflection. All you parrot owners who give your birds mirrors: your birds are stupid and think it's another bird. Wow, science. *shakes head*

Rare Bechstein's bat found by UK research team

Metal elegy for British soldier who died in Iraq (no clips, sadly)

Back pain eased by good posture. (Wow, science.) What this story's really saying that the Alexander technique, which teaches good postural habits, seems to work better than massage or throwing painkillers at it. (Again, wow.)

Horse news!

Obese horse numbers increasing. Gratuitous baby palo ahoy!

Woman jailed for selling 'dangerous' pony to child

All in all, I'm reminded of Thelwell's ponies. (Fox lovers, check out his hunting images.)

Martha, hand me mah lynchin' boots.

Audio slideshow of Ripley's Believe It or Not! exhibition in London. Worth it for the duck at 1:21. Aren't those fun-house tunnel things fun? Darn, now I want to go.

Teddy camera catches carer thief. Sheer greatness. Who'd want to be pwned by that? (pictured on linked page)

The mystery of the humming noise! (No, it's not an overheating iPod nano.)

Pedigree dogs plagued by disease. This, to be fair, does depend somewhat on the breeder. For example, when my father got his dog it had to be a pedigree (of course *rolls eyes*) and the breeder had certificates to show that their dogs were free of hip dysplasia, which is a notorious problem with Labs and Goldens. Breeders aren't daft and pretty much know what they're doing, so if you get one who thinks it pays to be ethical you should be relatively ok.

Puppy farmers, on the other hand, should be suspended from the annoyingly loud industrial-style air conditioning pipes in this office and flogged with... hmm... those empty coat hangers and drying umbrellas over there. Yeah, ok, I'll think up something more creative when my brain's switched on.

Another clip.

An ailing brain with imagination undimmed

You're Britain's second best-selling author, also called the most shoplifted, and the papers have never heard of you except when they want to stir up fake rows with JKR. Then you get a little brain disease, and suddenly...

The secrets of the brain. Surgery. AWESOME. The brain is so beautiful.

Brain's counting skill 'built-in'

Police dog saves thief from river

Antidepressants link to poor driving. Yet another reason I don't bother. (Others being that I wear contact lenses and am dyspraxic, and consider those to be two real dangers to the public should I ever get behind the wheel of a death machine.)

Firefighters in dramatic double pet rescue!!!

Yew cuttings used for chemotherapy drugs

Woot, victory! Check out the ending quote from someone who sounds like a despicable person: The Supreme Court's desire to promote the homosexual lifestyle at the risk of infringing upon the First Amendment right to free exercise of religion is what the public needs to learn about

Advocates for Faith and 'Freedom' huh? How about the freedom to impose your blind, irrational superstitions on others instead of resigning when it becomes clear you won't (not can't) do the job you're paid to do? Is that a good use of your constitutional rights? Yeah!

Because OMG, a lesbian somewhere is having a child! This prevents me eating bits of Jesus on Sundays and forces me to convert to Druze!!!!!!! Dear Xolotl, these wankers make me so angry.

Dramatic pictures of a woman artificially 'aged' to show what sunbeds do to you.

Worldwide battle for water (yeah, no kidding)

Monks' drinks business to develop

I'd advocate corporal punishment for this creep, but what'd be the point? Make 'im wear a pink shalwar for a week...

Islamic authorities in the Nigerian city of Bauchi have reportedly launched a crackdown on sex workers identified by the Red Cross in a census. But don't worry, they say they're only arresting them and inspecting them for HIV. Or something. Yep.

Picnics without plastic. I'd still point out that disposable anything isn't ideal. Making paper (etc) plates still uses resources. Personally I have no objection to people buying solidly-made plastic dishes (or any other tough, hygienic and safe material, of course), bringing them home and reusing them.

......

I only wish the penguin had been given a hereditary peerage.

Huskies and Japanese lunchbreak

Ohh, well done BBC, just heard of ReCAPTCHA there...

Haredim in Jerusalem

Legal battle over Watchmen film

Best.

Dog choir auditions. YES.

Donegal pilgrimage/'retreat' thingy. Sounds harsh.

Dog swallows golf ball mid-flight. A golf ball is too small to make a safe doggy toy.

Pain experts to discuss treatment (not porn, sickos)

Exploring the virtual ant colony

Ancient tree helps birds survive by providing them with yummy wasps.

Terry Pratchett criticises drugs ruling edit: longer article

Speaking of Pratchett, recommendations for books to get boys reading. Altivo will be disappointed that they're all violent... well, Colour of Magic isn't too bad, since the main character spends his time, ahem, refusing to engage in violence.

Doll causes police alert

Carnival costumes go on display... more pics, plz!

Big Olympic piccies. This one's my favourite. There's also one of a fencer looking stupid, and other stuff.

'Bravest' students do not cheat.

I resent this. I'm a coward and I don't cheat. Unless I'm going to be threatened with violence if I don't cheat, I don't see what one has to do with the other. Behaving ethically is generally an unrisky form of 'heroism', not really deserving of being confused with physical bravery.

In pictures: Your lunchbreaks

Under half of all Scottish weddings in 2007 were religious. Yay!

Oh, while we're on the subject: Remove unfair benefits from married couples! Ban all religious venues from being given marriage permits! Votes for asexuals!!

The prison system WORKS, REALLY, for this guy. (No, really. It's obviously working very nicely indeed for him.)

Man in straw cottage installs electricity for the first time.

Ill English Bull Terrier abandoned in city street (the typist was obviously ill too; lots of typos in there at the mo). I'll give him a home! Send him down here!

Dying and euthanasia stuff. (The doctrine of double effect, incidentally, is bull. Yeah, I'm so good at this philosophy stuff. ;)

...

Almost as good as that model of children's bed called "Lolita".

Edinburgh Fringe show about Auschwitz sounds very unpleasant.

Musicals at the Fringe. Yay musicals! Yay Eurovision! Yay camp! ... *glances around* What?

'Kill signal crayfish on sight' appeal. They are considered as bad (in terms of being invasive species) as Japanese knotweed and grey squirrels.

Can't fight Darwin, people. If you don't like it, go reverse climate change. Not the crayfishes' fault they're better at exploiting your niche than you are.

Ancient Viking board game revived. Awesome.

Search and rescue dog saves missing motorcyclist... in Beddgelert.

(This is lightly ironic because Beddgelert is named in honour of humanity's unfairness to its canine partners.)

Canadians win piping championships in Scotland

...to be honest, I'm a bit sick of Superlambananas...

Well, that's an understatement. I was sick of them when they were Manchester cows, and before that when they were Brussels cows. Basically what I'm implying here for comedy value is that the lambs are ripped off from Cow Parade. And why not, indeed.

I'm so boring! I'm vegetarian, a non-drinker and don't like tea or coffee.

If I ate meat I'd be open to trying a lot of this stuff. Except fugu (because DEAR LOKI, ARE YOU PEOPLE INSANE) and the cruel stuff.

Edible and inedible meme. Bold what you've tried, italicize what you'll never eat again, strikeout what you won't eat, asterisk for you haven't had a chance, question mark what you don't know.

(I looked everything else up. I'm curious.)

read more...

Nothing interesting to say. Here's the cat under the doormat.

(Today's news trawl is rather Reeish, as you will see.)

Tour of LA robot show

That Nixie would be great for teaching autistic kids! I understood almost all of her cartoony expressions.

Stowaway cat from Italy found

Missing German cat goes home after a year abroad. Microchipping works, people.

Mummy is LITERALLY gathering dust. It is getting up and shambling around and picking up dust. LITERALLY.

Police need canine training sites

Stolen puppy returned to owners after paternity test

Birmingham skyline mix-up

Boys harmed by 'get rich' culture. I like this story. One or two people vaguely seem to realise how this unbelievable backsliding in attitudes to ambition and celebrity is affecting girls (50 years ago young ladies were expected to get education and jobs; today's junior schoolgirls' ambition is to marry a pop star or footballer, not even to be one themselves). You don't hear as much about how boys are being damaged, and they obviously are.

Woman impaled on religious statue

Cluedo stars killed in makeover. I raised an eyebrow at this, but their justification actually makes sense. Or maybe it's that I'm sick of companies trying to play on my nostalgia recently... Either way, redesign Cluedo, why not. Our hypothetical kids need their own memories, not to have ours forced on them.

The Month without Plastic blog looks at drinks cans and cartons.

Legal milestone for open source. This is important and cool.

Arsenic-munching bacteria found. This is awesome because although they've suspected bacteria could do this in prehistoric (more to the point, pre-oxygen) times, this is the first proof that not only could it have happened once but it's still happening.

Bacteria were around before oxygen became the new trendy thing. Bacteria eat POISON. Bacteria punch TRAINS. Bacteria are HARD!

In fact, bacteria were Jack the Ripper!

I just made an enquiry about volunteering here. I'll keep you posted.

Of course, this engagement could become very HAZARDOUS if I am exposed to golden spaniels with greying muzzles, or Rotties, or Weimaraners, or Retrievers, or Dobies, or wriggly bull terriers, etc, who need homes.

This is fascinating! By 2010 there will no longer be a clear majority of white people in the USA.

("Immigrants" contrasted with "white people" = unintentionally hilarious and ever-so-slightly depressing. Anti-'immigrant' Americans = very depressing.)

Flying dog poo, BUT IS IT ARS???

Device 'steals chip-and-pin data'

It seems to require the cooperation of a staff member, or ridiculously lax security, and if you have either of those then you're going to be able to do any number of nefarious things.

Famous tent keeps burlesque alive

WHY?!?!

WHY(ii)?!

Why remake cult things when you KNOW the remake will be rubbish and loathed by fans of the original? Know why people liked the original? The clue is in the word ORIGINAL???

Privacy worry over location data

Targeted or personalised adverts. Some people seem to like them. Do you? Why's that? Myself, I dislike them because anything that makes ads harder to ignore is an irritation. But I never buy anything I see advertised, with the exception of going to see films.

Rat-brain robot aids memory study

Gordon Brown aide vetoes leadership question. Haha.

What stops trees getting bigger? There's a height limit on how high they can move their water.

Trees move water around by capillary action, transpiration pressure (a sucking effect from water at the top evaporating off) and osmosis. They don't have a powered circulatory system. The xylem (tissue in the stem or trunk that moves water) is in fact dead cells, wasted away so there's nothing left of them but the rigid cell membrane on the outside.

In other words, tree intra-wet is a series of tubes.

Bullied teen loses 44kg

Yay! Well done! I want a Cheshire Cat shirt.

Economy 'counting' somethingorother. Accessibly explains why economics as reported in the media is balls.

White-tailed eagles released in secret location. Look at their metull hair, and listen to that chick croaking "foodfoodfood". *headbangs* I can't believe they steal chicks, though! :(

Robots in war games challenge. This kind of situation is where you'd typically think of using a dog.

Inside Beijing's 'secret' tunnels. We're very privileged to get this exclusive access, so to make the best of it, we sent a patronising blonde idiot to report on it. She can't even read whichever Chinese alphabet that is. THE BBC, DUMBING DOWN FOR YOUR PLEASURE.

Dangerous jellyfish on rise in UK

Footage of Charles mouthing off. "Conurbations of unmentionable awfulness". (Why can't you all have country homes as well as your palaces in the posh bit of London?)

If nobody paid attention, Royals wouldn't blahblah all the time. I don't particularly want this guy openin my Parliament being my figrrhed.

Post union demands dog attack law

Owners plea over dog microchips

Petitions will save the world

The contraceptive pill affects women's ability to pick out genetically dissimilar partners. The biological quirk that leads to this actually makes perfect sense in non-pill-taking females. The pill mimics the conditions of pregnancy, during which a woman is no longer looking for a studly mate but instead, I presume, more interested in a long-term supportive partner who may or may not be the dad.

Speaking of sex or gender differences, this from Philanthropy UK makes interesting reading.

And this on OCD from the Guardian because it's awesome.

Although not all people with OCD are as adorable as Mister Monk, nevertheless it's an interesting condition.

A new article on Rosslyn Chapel, aka "that place where they found [spoiler] in The da Vinci Code", can be found from the BBC Christianity website.

Profusely illustrated, and the images were all free (either from Creative Commons sources or provided by the article's author). My favourite kind of image.

This is why I was reading TdVC in work. The author went through my list of all the specific claims Dan Brown makes about Rosslyn in the book and debunked them mercilessly.

It's funny. Most of the things I remembered Dan Brown claiming, he doesn't really. Throughout the book there's a lot of airy pronouncement along the lines of "Every symbologist knew that [artistic work Y] was a wealth of goddess symbols", which sounds exciting without any of that boring specifics, substantiation or giving of examples. Well, it is trying to be an adventure story rather than an essay.

Another good adventure-story-cum-thesis is—ah, some of you thought I was about to say Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. Don't jump ahead! In fact, what I'm thinking of is The Road to Mars by Eric Idle. A story with robots, and also a fascinating slice of comedic theory.

And then there are the Science of Discworld books, which are a little strange... good popular science mixed with a bit of Discworld. The science parts are, if anything, better and more entertainingly written.

Look what ThinkGeek has just started selling.

Sound familiar?

Sound like something certain large sweetening interests who shall remain nameless are believed to have leaned on the US FDA to kill in 1974?

Also, ThinkGeek's page has a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory joke, which makes my day.

OMFD CLOUDED LEOPARD KITTENS

Anyone living in Kent, I hate you so much right now. ;)

This! This is either the weirdest and more expensive prank ever, or... or... something. Whatever it is, it's brilliant.

Meet the new Lara Croft. Why do you admire Lara? "She's confident, she's independent"...ly wealthy. Ahem. You've got to admire this girl's dedication, though, when you hear about all the research she's doing.

Ditto here, sort of... MEP helps to get 20 cows pregnant

I sort of wish I could do this. Not with farming, perhaps, because I have insurmountable issues with animals raised for food, but with a lot of industries. It'd be fun! I want to do work experience in a vet's surgery again. That was cool, because I'm fine with blood, but not so good at helping to move large anaesthatised dogs. I saw lots of spayings and one neutering. (Which took about 30 seconds, no lie; it was slice, whip-snip, whip-snip, stitch. So much easier than a spay. It could be that that's one of the reasons I'd probably have a male dog by choice. I'm not sure I'd like to send a young lady to have a stitch put through her cervix.)

Army horsie.

Happy (and very cute) birdie. Follow the related link if you like OWLS.

Man 'too slow' for new guide dog. Sounds unfair, yes, but remember that he has to be able to look after the dog.

Olympic pandas draw crowds. This is unfair. They've been flown in to be gawped at by a bunch of sports fans.

More postmen attacked by dogs. I... I'm torner than a postman's trouser leg on this issue. On the one hand, bad dogs shouldn't bite people. On the other hand, postmen are asking for it by coming onto people's turf and rattling their letterboxes, grrrr!

Just kidding, you realise. Posties are all right.

This, ugh. [Nazi warning] I can just about charitably think of it as a joke in bad taste, but...

Charlieboy sticks his oar in on GM again. He just doesn't understand why we all can't just dine on organic salmon.

Roman temple found under church

Meanwhile, new celebrity graffiti found on pub wall.

Asylum seekers on hunger strike. Who'd want to be locked up and sent back to Iraq?

[Cruelty to animals RAGE warning] Nasty fate befalls kidnapped rabbit

Grandmother warns off armed thief. If you're ever faced with an armed robber, don't attempt to emulate this, please.

Beach lifeguards help shark count

Freemasons charged with hogging too much power!

Clumsy and poorly co-ordinated children could be at higher risk of obesity in later life, a study says.

...screw you. But the link with sport is obvious and plausible. I loathed PE with a vengeance simply because it was so humiliating to be so bad at it.

Traditional UK names 'dying out'. I apologise to my proud country for not choosing Gertrude or Herbert or Norah or Walter. (I like the name Walter. I may name something Walter. And Irene, although I prefer the French pronunciation Irène. (ih-wrenn))

Jack and Thomas are still going strong, and although Olive is dying out, there are plenty of Olivias. Also a lot of Graces and Rubies. *facepaw* chavs...

Shops get fruit and veg sale help

If you got through all that, or skimmed it, here's a quiz about wacky inventions. Wonderful stuff.

I Want a Dog

There's a hole
in my soul
in the shape of a Schnauz
er and thus
I will fuss
and perform lots of pouts.
There's a gap
in my lap
that would fit a retriev
er; my knees
won't appease
this perpetual peeve.

A night out with tag-team hedgehog

Yemen divided on vice and virtue

Star Wars couple married by Yoda

Details of the wedding vows that followed were not clear but it is thought pledging to battle for eternity against the Galactic Empire and the forces of evil was mentioned.

I always kinda wonder in these cases if both the partners are equally into the idea.

Abuse terrorism laws more, councils urged

Elephant matriarchs have good memories for a good reason.

I'm on the Metro site because there was a good article about Asperger's syndrome in the paper version, but I can't find it. Ah well, have a hedge instead.

Pretty.

Three-legged dog loves train ride. That is a bored dog! Poor girl.

Girls at a chess tournament. (vid from my work that I quite like)

Mmm, long-haired socialskillsless male geeks...

Woman, 90, fulfils 'thong' wish (... Quite sweet, all told.)

One for steamfans. *emails to father*

People complain about a 'pregnant' shop dummy. OH NOES, THE DISGUSTING SLIGHT PLASTIC BUMP. WOMEN WITH CHILD ARE FILTHY. I DON'T WANT MY CHILDREN EXPOSED TO THIS SMUT.

Quarantine for cough rescue dogs

TV ad 'busts heart attack myth'

Health checks to stop stand-ups dying on stage

12-year-old stand-up comic. No jokes or footage.

Children 'bullied over brands'

Couple warned over bird feeding. I love the UK. Old dears enjoy feeding the birds so much (all encouraged by Mary Poppins, I tell you!!) that they get fined for chucking whole bags of corn every day and getting their gardens full of noise and bird poo.

Blue plaque for Oxford geologist. Check the portrait. Very much an Oxford geologist.

Marsh harriers fledge

Winter homes for beach donkeys

Call to adopt UK Bill of Rights. I suspect the right not to be treated as criminals by default, the right not to be filmed everywhere and the right to have a prime minister we actually elected will be conspicuously absent. Not that I'm grumpy today.

Adult-free, booze-free music festival. Rawk. More like this please. Heck, I'd go to a booze-free festival if older people were allowed and pop acts were banned.

Sub to make deep Caribbean dive. Very awesome.

The end of horse chestnut trees? Why do they feel the need to relate this to human interest with the conker tournament rubbish? (Bacteria is plural. Bacterium is singular.)

Pasty with extra snail (no pic)

Hunt for amorous parrot's owner. Folks, if your pet can talk, consider teaching it your phone number or address (if you're confident you won't be changing it soon). At least your name would help.

Hindu festival rides into capital

One for Pratchett fans: Postcard arrives after 79 years

Shagging b... no, wait, breeding shags hit by parasites. My guess? It's pulp mites eating their paper bags.

Biker festival policing defended

Cell change 'keeps organs young'

Prophet Muhammad novel scrapped. ARGH.

Muslim all-girl school in Oxfordshire 'may have to close'.

Hanna, who wants to become a doctor or a vet, said: "If I didn't have this school, then that is really it for me.

"It's this school or nothing for me. That would be the end of my education."

Parents said they were looking at other options for their daughters, including schooling them at home, or sending them abroad.

Just... why? What's so wrong with mixed schools, for Minerva's sake? Do you really think your daughters are going to turn into Westernised sluts just like that? Do you trust them so little?

Not that there's anything, anything wrong with being a Westernised slut, and I have zero time for the outright lies a few Asian opinionmakers spread about Western women.

Bushballs, straight from "Beijing China". Amazing Grace? Edelweiss? Eh, same thing... (Yoooou look happy to meet me? Not really. Guy on left looks like he's thinking "SEND HALP".)

Beach church for sun worshippers

Written for "Vinzin" on the Jack art exchange board, about his character.

Invinzibility

08/08/08

You wonder why I think before I speak,
and spend my moments staring at the sky
across the park or hanging by the creek;
I'm really not an extroverted guy...
My foxy eyes are seeking out a ledge,
a rail, a handhold, routes from there to here.
You wonder why I walk so near the edge?
I ever tell you how I lost this ear?
I'm plotting out the most efficient ways—
a forward flip, a roll to break my fall—
you wonder what I'm thinking while I gaze.
You cannot see the way. You see the wall.
I cannot stand restraint. I need to be:
I'm only Vinzin when I'm running free.

(Spot the evil parkour pun.)