Black Dog Blog

• My wallet is now HAND STITCHED leather. Well, I wasn't going to throw out a well-designed wallet just because the fastening was loose. #
• Mind you, you probably shouldn't ask HOW WELL it's stitched. Dyspraxia: When You Want EVERYTHING to Result in a Sweaty Fumble. #
• http://twitpic.com/11yr2p – YOU GUYS! @kianryan was telling the truth about the pixies in his garden! [...] #

• #vss Weft knew a lot about women: he'd killed loads of them. And yet, somehow, that didn't help him make small talk on a date. #
• #vss She was a pleasant date: black-haired, witty and obviously interested in him. Weft squirmed inside, wishing he could kill her already. #
• #vss Over dessert, Weft's target boasted of the location of the drop, so she died still not rich and he left still never having been kissed. #
• #vss Worst Pick-up Lines in Ancient History, Part 9. Actaeon to Artemis: "You make me horny." (It turned out to be his stag night.) #

All right you guys.

Ninja Assassin is the BEST FILM EVER.

We were laughing so hard throughout. It's wonderful, really, all cheesy plot and plentiful OTT violence and gore.

And of course it reminded me strongly of Weft's upbringing, except more girl ninjas* and less knitting.

*a definite improvement.

• Listening to SimplyNoise.com's thunderstorm soundscape to block out chatter and noise. A thunderclap just made me jump out of my skin! #
• Via @bbctech: Schools are buying equipment to detect cheats with mobile phones. http://bit.ly/d77qNL // Wave Bubbles should be made legal! #
• Bro2 found my wallet with its Get Out of Hell Free Card ( http://www.getoutofhellfree.com/ ). I AM SO RELIEVED! Oh, and my money and stuff. #
• Making pervy remarks about alien craft by email to @almostwitty trying to crack him up… not that I can tell if I succeed, which is a flaw. #
• Has just witnessed a drive-by interviewing about Simon Cowell. I hope I won't be called upon to testify. #

• #vss Ripping your skin with my fingernails. It's rough, goosebumped; the flesh underneath, sweet, fragrant and white. My licentious lychee. #
• #vss "No apparent connection between victims"? NO CONNECTION? What about the spectral signatures of the seven medieval planets, YOU FOOLS? #
• #vss Nimbly, he smashed the bottle and wielded it in a perfect Ninth Guard. Then he realised she'd only asked the time. He cringed. "Sorry." #
• #vss Is it better to rip your enemy's every nerve fibre out through his skin, or make him think you've done it? Suitov liked to alternate. #

• RT @qikipedia: @Suitov is made of rock. #
• Happy Candlemas everyone! I suggest you mark the day by listening to some suitably uplifting sacred music: http://bit.ly/candlemass #
• Hyaenas have family structure. WOW, SCIENCE… http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/8485653.stm …another Animals In "Just Like Us" Shocker. #
• Aw man, vomit vomit! http://www.thinkgeek.com/interests/valentines/c6f0/ I'd like to know how it's done, though… >:) #
• "I have the same model Enigma machine as Mick Jagger." That has got to be the strangest boast I've heard all day. #

• #vss They came as he was walking back from the vending machines. "Smith, InfoSec department. I understand you've been heard… complaining." #
• #vss The blind man walks round with a badger on a lead. It used to be a Lhasa Apso. Nobody knows who made the swap. #

You know it's true:

• I so enjoy making people groan, squirm or say things like "That's so wrong!" I'm sure this says something horrible about me as a person. #

• We will hopefully have internet at home by tomorrow. I may also have to take some leave soon, so with any luck, these will coincide nicely. #
• #vss Five months in. The rookies still made fart jokes whenever the ship vented waste gas. Withers sighed; this was going to be a long tour. #
• *crosses "valentine's day cards" off from list of Things in Which to Sneak Ninja Turtles References* #

• Hand-editing image map coordinates (for outlines of every county in the UK) and quite enjoying it, though I shouldn't admit to that. #
• Quote of the week? RT @MarzRaul: [...] Besides, not all my #vss are about death. Some are about torture. #
• Revolting photos. I recommend not looking. http://twitpic.com/10avih http://twitpic.com/10avkx http://twitpic.com/10avp1 #piper #cats #kitty #
• Getting my arse kicked at Lips (a SingStar-alike for X360) by the other bro. Very funny. Accelerometers in mics. Bonus for vibrato(!) #
• I cannot beLIEVE he won You Can't Touch This! I was far more in time. All singing games seem to hate me… is my timing off or something? XD #

• #vss It started in her toes and made her crinkle her nose. Soon it had spread to her central nervous system and she looked like a Shar Pei. #
• #vss Clutching his red-and-white hat to his head, Walter melted into the crowd. His only hope was that they wouldn't spot him from up there. #
• #vss Suitov took care that certain of his spells could not be traced back to him, even if decompiled. Oddly, Poison 1.0 wasn't one of those. #
• #vss Despite its achingly hip name, the Poison spell was just a colour library Suitov had written a few years ago, researching illusions. #

• #vss "Maaarco." The wisecracking monster ran its talons up the bannister. "Maaaarco." The child stayed hidden because his name wasn't Marco. #
• #vss Elsie, locally renowned for slapping a werewolf's nose. It would've ended badly for little old Elsie but for her silver charm bracelet. #
• Unless the iWhatever can beat Gorgonite's 320GB storage, I'm not interested. Archos's OS is so closed but even Gorgonite can render Flash! #

• Hmm, can I scrounge up the missing 11 pence I need for bus fare tonight? Well, we've got a few sofas in the office that I can check. #

• #vss "You may leave if you like," said the senior monk, opening the door to freedom. Weft blinked in the light and scooted back to his cell. #
• #vss "No chocolate shavings? I don't understand." "But I always have soy." Commuters milled confusedly. "How can we have coffee without?" #
• That was 'freedom' for @kevbuk and 'middle-class deprivation' for @meeware. Hope you liked. #vss #requests #
• #vss In the dead of night came an "ow!" Lucy clutched the crucifix under her pillow. "Who leaves an end table there?" groaned the vampire. #
• #vss She knew the angels wouldn't accept her until she turned her nose inside out. She tried and tried, bled and bled, her nails encrusted. #

• Dear news: Stop saying what govt. "is expected to announce" or a report "is expected to say". Dear politics: stop pre-leaking things. Asses. #
• I nommed the serif, but I did not eat the lower-case C. http://bit.ly/inommedtheserif #
• RT @technicalfault: Handy for anyone on locked-down systems. Google Chrome Portable http://j.mp/qiQFh – it's so very, very fast. // Finally! #
• RT @bbctech: "Majority of broadband users pay for download limits that they come nowhere near reaching" http://bit.ly/8OzVw4 // And SPEEDS! #

• #vss Nothing he could say – sobs, pleas, desperate denials of witchcraft – stopped them putting him up against the wall. The rifles cocked. #
• #vss Fleurdiamantea, real name Cheryl, declared that she was ready to die for Wicca. One wave of the pliers under her nose and she recanted. #
• #vss Glinda, defending, conferred briefly with her brief. "Your Honour, permission to call a late witness?" Elphaba, prosecuting, objected. #
• Enough about witch trials for now. Themes for more #vss anyone? I take requests, provided no human nudity's involved. #

• The geek quotient in here has become dangerously low. :( #
• Did EVERYone have a sleepless night? I'm not even telling you what I did while trying to sleep, or the geek quotient will swing back *hard*. #
• RT @Foomandoonian: The future of web apps: http://www.michaelv.org/ // FACT. #

• I have blueberries and lychees and you do not, except for those who have. To all the others I say: hope you lunch is yummy too, suckers. #
• I saw what @degsy has just done to @custardcat 's keyboard and paraphernalia. #

(He put it in a locker for him. But those not present with guilty consciences from previous office pranks may have feared otherwise.)

• #vss "The more intelligent a dog, he does not grow dispirited or morose," he wrote. He paused. "That is the difference between dog and man." #
• #vss Tusky the elephant crossed the savannah to drink from a river. There, a crocodile grabbed him by the nose and he was truncated. #
• #vss "But snakes are fish." "No they aren't." "But they breathe underwater!" "No they don't." "Well, my religion says they do," said Weft. #

• Seen this morning: Croissant roadkill. #lifeimitatingbanksy #
• On #TFTD John Bell rambled on 'price' vs 'value'. Amazed he didn't have a pop at us cynics with that Oscar Wilde quote. Obvious opportunity! #
• Am very ready for it to be the weekend. Sick, frustrated, tired, frustrated, frustrated and a bit sad that a fab colleague is leaving soon. #
• RT @schrodingerskit: 'It's Adam and EVE, not STEVE, right?" "Yeah! Jonathan and DAVID, not MAVIS, right?" "Yeah!…what?" http://is.gd/6Jjj4 #
• RT @dansumption: Bring back British Rail: http://petitions.number10.gov.uk/bringbackbr/ // Sign it, minions! Thanks. :) #

• RT: @sixtostart is looking for a full-time lead developer who's passionate about games and storytelling! http://bit.ly/7N8Qvx @FionaSarah? #
• Someone just called me thoughtful. Clearly, this was someone with whom I've only ever had contact by email. http://bit.ly/54IP5X #

• #vss One wish, then you die. "I wish for one perfect day." "Granted." The djinn expected cheesy feel-good stuff, but Marcie thought big! #
• #vss He could save the world (for a while). The price:his life. He gazed at his favourite painting. What if he hadn't the courage to choose? #

• #vss Sam threw down her toothbrush in a panic. First one tooth popped out, then another…and what grew in their place was the worst of all. #

• #vss The cat lived rough, briefly, before we adopted him 11 years ago. It still haunts him. Or so he tells the therapist he swore he needs. #

OK… so…

First people were in the news mentioning how they had suicidal urges because Bluecahontas — sorry, Avatar — isn't real.

*writes up a prescription for some red pills* All right, carry on.

But now, via an otherkin-with-senses-of-humour thing I read, I give you the Na'vi Anti-Defamation League.

This is a travesty.

How dare the dandelion-herding, psychic-pony-riding Violet Beauregarde brigade rob us of our pretend racism?!?

Time to take to the streets and take back our right to disrespect people who don't exist! When will this end? Next they'll be saying people who don't believe in invisible magic things aren't fully human!

Oh dear. Did some of you just stop laughing?

So anyway.

I think combining the shininess of Avatar with the dark, cynical thoughtfulness of District 9 (and some doggies) would have produced about the best film I can imagine. District 9 was fantastic in its own right, but there's no denying the visual loveliness of Avatar. Films don't actually have to come with a brown-grey filter to make an impactful point. Honest. There's nothing wrong with a bit of beauty for its own sake.

Incidentally, Avatar was lacking in one important regard. Nobody said "They're attacking Home Tree! Quick, I need root access!" (Indeed, one loses count of the tree/computer puns they fail to make after being informed that the entire biosphere is essentially a distributed natural intelligence.)

• A bit of relaxation for you in the form of ducks and geese playing in an icy pond: http://bit.ly/icegeese #
• http://twitpic.com/y6bee – Cartoon: @binhbui and @custardcat suspected their colleague was a bit fanatical about usability. #
• Traumatising you in 140 characters or less. #ff twisted #vss tweeters @JasonEverMorr and @whuddafugger #followfriday #
• LIES. LIES. LIES. http://www.rathergood.com/cats #rathergood #cats #caturday (that "?" silhouette, is it Longcat? Can anyone confirm?) #
• OK this is the BEST use of an iPhone EVER. http://flic.kr/p/7vWEtG via @marksimpkins @mistersnappy @atomoil #
• VLC preferences: How to stop that irritating popup and noise on track change: http://blog.hbcom.info/archives/403 #VLC #videolan #
• News items I liked for different reasons. http://bit.ly/66×725 #finland #smoking http://bit.ly/7UcECW #dogs http://bit.ly/6KlWmu #thefuture #

• #vss "Whence came this miraculous ship-of-the-air?" Tregnor peered around in wonder. "Touch nothing. I'm in enough trouble," said Phrt-Dzod. #
• #vss "Mad mage! Mad mage!" Men scattered as stone walls disintegrated. Suitov stepped through. Mad? He wasn't even all that annoyed. (Yet.) #
• #vss Life is good for a magician's pet hellhound. True, folks get scared, but not the ones that matter. Patchie down the lane? She loves me. #
• #vss We tried microdots, every crevice, but they always found the messages. At last, a solution: encode it into a tune stuck in their heads. #